The Art of Arranging One’s Own Exit
a stream-of-consciousness guide for the inevitable
we spend an enormous amount of time planning how to celebrate our current existence and almost none planning how we are remembered. unfortunately this means we’ve normalized outsourcing what should be a thoughtful and important ritual onto grieving relatives. it’s no wonder funerals have become so dull.
gonzo journalist hunter s thompson was blown from a cannon. environmentalist and author edward abbey was illegally buried by his friends in the arizona desert somewhere. my boyfriend dylan would like to be entombed with all his favorite ‘items’. there is only one similarity in these unique and individual requests -- they were made in advance to someone else. they were made by the person before it was too late to do so.
since i just turned the ripe old age of thirty i thought it was about time i prepared for my death. consider this my burial directive, which is hopefully a living document, one i can edit many times to fit a changing life before the version becomes final. if not, and i’ve died sooner than ideal, all the steps are laid out below.
step one: call the closest funeral home (or the police, i suppose, if it looks like a murder) and have my body taken to the mortuary. someone needs to confirm my heart no longer beats. you’ll need to refrigerate me fast, because I do NOT want to be embalmed. don’t resuscitate me either for that matter. donate my organs, if they’re in reasonable condition.
step two: transport me back to utah.
just bury me immediately with the friends and family who can get there. no open casket or anything, this is just the burial party. if you want to do a memorial later, do that however you want. probably you can gather in the forest to grieve, maybe arrange yourselves in a circle around a fire. yes there better be crying, i just died jesus, let it out! and tell at least one embarrassing story.
carbon-neutral funeral services
at first i thought i’d want a mushroom casket, but upon further inquiry, have found they’re still very expensive. and the mushroom biodegrades in 45 days, which makes it a little pointless to begin with. it will take years for my body to turn skeletal unless i am 1. buried in warm soil, 2. well watered, and 3. turned regularly. so while yes mushroom caskets are good for the soil, you could just sprinkle some fertilizer over me damn. i think some of these sites are using the same guilt trip but towards the eco-friendly folk. i appreciate the option and i get the desire to have something nice for our bodies to be paraded around in, but there are less expensive ways to do this. ultimately i would like to build my own box, but if i don’t get around to it before i die, just wrap me in a shroud like this and bury me casketless.
step three: someone has to dig the hole. (3.5 feet deep, to allow for best chance of rapid aerobic decay) bury me in the forest where some hungry little earthworms can have their way with me. pine valley probably. plant a willow tree over top, and some wildflowers too.
step four: in tomestone arizona there is a grave that reads: Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a .44. No Les. No more. and an 1800’s grave in my hometown of salt lake city for ‘lilly gray’ just says: Victim of the Beast 666, and no one knows why. possibly my favorite epitaph, bette davis, reads: She did it the hard way. as for my own, I go to seek a great perhaps, might just be the most beautiful phrase for that unknowable possibility of what comes next. they are famous last words attributed to 16th-century french writer françois rabelais and popularized by john green in his novel Looking for Alaska and i am just as obsessed with them now as i was when i read them at 16. or maybe i’ll quote annie dillard in her book The Writing Life, when she reminds us: how you spend your days is how you spend your life.
No Embalming Directive
To make it official for the government folk:
I direct that my body not be embalmed under any circumstances.
If temporary preservation is required due to timing or logistical needs, I request refrigeration only. I do not consent to chemical preservation, cosmetic embalming, or any invasive postmortem procedures.
It is my preference that close friends and family arrange for my burial as soon as reasonably possible after my death. If circumstances allow, I would like to be buried promptly.
This directive reflects both my environmental values and my personal wishes. I ask that those responsible for my final arrangements honor this request.
in conclusion
allocation of my animals, my assets, and my money will be discussed at length in a letter i’ve hidden between the pages of my favorite book. if you know you know. some kind of communal library out of all my books would be cool though. everyone could have fun overanalyzing all the words i’ve underlined in various books.
as for my journals and manuscripts and rough drafts: RELEASE THEM ALL. no i think bestie should probably read them first and decide what i’d be okay with sharing. proceed with caution.